Hey herd nerds! It's currently 2:31 am when I began writing this. Tonight I was scrolling through my notifications and I've noticed you guys- especially Echofrost, have been really worried about me. I feel guilty. I've left you guys with no explanation, again. I wanted to write this to put an end to a chapter I have been postponing for a while. I guess it's been a year- or a few months, I forgot. I'm not the poor writer and overdramatic roleplayer you're familiar with anymore. I've heard the choked cries of my mother from the other room every night when she wasn't staying overnight at the hospital with the paranoia of my dad needing her holding his hand at some time. I'm so familiar with 3 am that the hour frightens me no longer. I've seen and heard a lot of things that taught me what true disgust really felt like. I've heard phone calls from the mother of that guy I hated in 3rd grade so childishly but loved so greatly that I didn't cherish the moments of at the time. I've seen my father's confused wide pupils stare back at me and smile even through all the medication he was on at the sight of my ruined face. It almost made me feel that he was stronger than his condition. It made me feel that he wasn't going to die, but my hopes and expectations were set too high. I'm inappropriate now. I make just about s*x and killing myself to cover up the fact that I've been wearing concealer to cover up the bags under my eyes and sweaters to hide the cuts on my arms I want to make deeper. I've learnt to swallow the lump in my throat like a bitter pill every time I want to burst.
I don't read anymore.
You'd be disappointed in me. I feel like if I'm to get back into this fandom, I'd be less passionate about the series of books I was so obsessed with. If I were to get back into this community, I'd feel so guilty about the burden and anxiety I put you guys through even though I know you would welcome me with open arms regardless. You always have. It just wouldn't feel the same. I've known this for a while. To be honest, in reality I'm just a thirteen-year-old minor that has a lot more to learn and experience. I'm asking you all a favor since I'm the greedy person I am. Please don't let me be a burden for you to carry upon your shoulders. None of this is your fault. Please do not feel responsible for making me feel better about myself and the situations I go through. In reality, words are just words. The only person who can really turn their perspectives around is the person themselves. Only I can cure and help myself get away from all the negativity that builds up in my mind. I am weak. But I am way stronger than when I was in 2018. I've learnt to handle my problems better, and I've learnt to not turn to others for help as much. I am more independent, and I definitely feel more mature than I've been a year or a few months ago.
Before I put an end to this, I want to say some things to the people I've held close to my heart for a while now.
Echofrost, I'm sorry. You were the person I kept seeing around in my notifs. You're so caring. I really hate myself for making you so worried when in reality I was sleeping through my summer, and my problems. The stigma of not being there for you will remain with me forever. Also, stay strong. I know I'm really hypocritical for saying this, but you really aren't like me. You're stronger, you're beautiful, you're expressive, you're bubbly, and you're so funny. I know you have been going through depression and suicidal thoughts. I am sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have been. Me, being internet dead (on this message board anyways), have been constantly checked up on while you were beyond upset and I wasn't there when you were. Oh my gosh, please know I love you so much. You are not a fake friend. You are not responsible for anything. I beg you, never, ever, think that. To anyone in this message board that have known me back then, you are all the kindest, most genuine people I've ever met. The fake friends I'm talking about are the people I've gotten close to this year. I've been there for them, or have tried to. But when I was going through one of the toughest times of my life, things were said to me that I didn't want to hear. It's like when you finally pour out all the emotions you've been trying to numb for forever and all they say to you is.
"Omy god I know right so sad you should feel that way I've gone through way worse so like stop complaining it's cringy."
Then they go posting on their snapchat story to share the date and time of your dad's wake and funeral without your permission for everyone to see.
That's what I was talking about. Not you guys, never.
I beg you again, I don't want you to be affected by me. I want everyone to be happy. I do hope you get through this. Here's a piece of advise I've been wanting to give: Don't let your mind travel to the darker side of things. Keep your head up. Keep looking forward. Why look behind you when you've already walked that path?
And if by chance it doesn't work out, you'll always have a chance in my world. I'll always be in the background cheering you on, whether I'm here or not. Please know that. Thank you for everything. I love you sista. ❤️
Wispiflower, are you still the Cupid of the Message Board? The amount of O.C. Chats you've had to make due to the chat lag was crazy. You're so funny. The memories of us shipping the most random couples together is something I'll always cherish. Your personality always made me unconsciously smile regardless of the situations I was in at the time. I never showed you that face/hair reveal. Who knows, maybe before I leave I'll give you a sneak peek? Thank you for spicing up my life a tad. Love you wisp wisp!
Dragon, believe me when I say you are literally good at everything. I have to admit, I was always jealous of your drawing skills. For me digital art is really difficult, and the fact that you can draw the shape and detail of a horse/pegasus on both paper and digitally really astonishes me. You're very mature. The way you handle things really pushes me to deal with things that may be hard on me in a better way. Thank you for being my role model, and continuing to be for the rest of my life. Love you.
Nightmist, dang, you are such a good roleplayer. And so creative with it as well. The jokes you make are so original, random and hysterical. The 2-3 person roleplay we did- (I think it was called "The Love Story of Darkfire and Dreamdrop") really let me bring out my creativity. The plots we made together- I'm laughing just thinking about it. Thank you for making me smile and giving me a reason to procrastinate from doing my homework, because I did not want to do that left page for science. Haha! Love you.
Riverbreeze, if there was ever any drama or controversy on the message board (Which was barely any.), you were never included in any of it. You always stated your opinion while staying neutral to anything at the same time. You're also very kind and loving. You always make sense, and you make me really happy. I love you.
To those who just met me. Hii~. I'm sorry you had to see this side of myself and have this as your first impression of me. I am leaving forever, and I'm sorry we never got the chance to get to know each other better. And to those whom I've known at the time but didn't mention, you mean a lot to me, that's for sure. Thank you, and I really do love you as well.
The memories I've had and the people I've met here will stick with me forever. Thank you for staying by my side when times were rough. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. Believe me when I say you are the kindest people I've ever met. The Guardian Herd fandom is so unique. Unlike most for sure. It's never toxic. It's welcoming. It's true. To be honest, now, I really don't feel like I belong. You're too good for me. And what have I done? Nothing but cause concern and disappointment.
This is not a suicide note. I'm not dying yet. Right now, my mother needs me, it'd be selfish of me to leave after she's stuck by my side throughout this chaotic limbo. Sometimes when I let my mind engulf me I feel unloved and unwanted. Then I remember my number one cheerleader rooting for me, and the hurt she'd feel if I left. It's what keeps me going. This is also not something I wrote to throw a pity party. I wrote this to clear the air, and close this chapter in my life I've been holding back for the longest time. On the brighter side of things, I've been making, singing and writing music. It's something I really enjoy. I feel that I've gotten better in the past year or so, and I'm excited to see where that will take me.
I'm going to be replying to comments and posts for a day or two since I've missed talking to you guys, but soon I'm going to leave for good, and I'll let you know when I do. If you made it this far, thank you for hearing me out. I'm sorry you had to read this. I'm sorry you had to watch me fall again.
Take care lovlies. ❤️