Here is the First part of the FanFic and If you're not Stormflower and you clicked on this post before she made her own post saying she read this one, please get off this post until she creates her own post!
It was the first day of Flight School for Skyriver and she was really nervous.
She wasn’t used to being around other Pegasi besides her Sire and Dam,
Firewing and Oceancloud. Firewing was Over-Stallion of Water Herd and Oceancloud was Lead Mare. Skyriver was born a dud but Oceancloud practiced flying with her. Now she can fly just as good as any other Pegasus her age, but Oceancloud still wanted her to attend Flight School. While Oceancloud was flying with her to Flight School, she noticed something orange glowing through the branches of a tree. She didn’t think much of it until she heard a sharp whiny. “Stay here, I’m going to go see what that was,” said Oceancloud. “But-“ before she could finish, Oceancloud was gone. She look around, she saw nothing but trees.
She decided that she was going to go see for herself what had happened.
While she was flying, she noticed something coming towards her, “Turn back!” It was Oceancloud, and she was hurt. “Turn back,” she yelled.
Skyriver was frightened at the sight of her injured mother. Oceancloud’s mane was burned, both of her front legs were broken, and her flank was scratched. The scratches looked like they came from a bear, or a tiger.
She didn’t know what attacked her mother but she knew one thing for sure, it wasn’t a Pegasus that did it. Skyriver turned around and flew back, with Oceancloud following behind. When they were safe , they landed near a tree. “What happened,” asked Skyriver. “I was attacked by Stormbeam,” answered Oceancloud. Skyriver gasped. Stormbeam wasn’t a Pegasus, he was a Phoenix, the only Phoenix in the world. Riversky had heard stories of Stormbeam but she didn’t think they were real until now. Oceancloud collapsed from the pain in her legs. “I wasn’t the only one that got attacked,” she lay there, unable to walk.
If I made any Spelling or grammar mistakes, please tell me in the comments
Ok, Thanks!
I agee with Flamefrost, (I'm sorry I couldn't resist.) It come very fast and tons more suspense and imagery could be useful. It was actually good though! Just don't rush it.
Yeah, Thanks for the advice!
Starwater, I hate to break it to you, but this MB is public. There's no way of directing a post or message such that only one person sees it.
Now, you asked for constructive criticism, and I think many of the members here can attest that I am very good at delivering feedback that fits that category. First of all, your names are great. I like that they sort of reflect some of the personalities (at least that I could see) of the characters. However, I think you should try and play up the suspense more in the future. Have you heard the dictum "show, don't tell"? It basically means that, when it comes to narrative (story) writing, it is better to show the reader what happened than simply say that it happened, because reading a list of statements is boring. However, if you build emotion and drama, it is more entertaining for the reader. I'll use the first sentence as an example. "It was the first day of Flight School for Skyriver and she was really nervous." Instead of stating a fact as you did here, I might say "Flight school was drawing nearer for Skyriver and she was trembling, whether in anticipation or fear she herself didn't know." Do you see how that's slightly more entertaining?
(No offense intended) I trusted you all to let Stormflower be the first one to see this, I might be wrong, she could've been the first to see this but I don't think so. If she was the first person to see this, she probably would've made a post right away saying that she did. (Stormflower, I'm sorry you couldn't be the 1st to see this like I promised, I let you down. When you do see this, tell me how many views there are so I can know how many people didn't care that you won this and you were supposed to be the 1st one to see it) (Subtract 3 views when you tell me, 3 of them were me)
(Like I said, No offense Intended.)
(And if you were the first one to see this...well... I don't know what to say)
The 3rd viewer better be Stormflower! (I was the 1st and the 2nd XD)