I'm leaving, probably forever, if I do things right. Hopefully forever. I hate this. I hate how my life is like right now. I've been struggling with so much, so many things, for such a long time. And now the ferocity of it all is crashing down on me and I can't leave this Hell.
God can't - won't - help me. I feel like he's been ignoring me, and I've started to doubt in him.
I feel like such a failure. I feel like I could have done more, could've done better, but I didn't, and it's all my fault.
I should have never made this account. I should have never shared anything with you. I should have closed up and left so you wouldn't get "attached" to me. I should have never let you in.
The drama is my fault. I'm always oversharing things and doing stupid stunts that spiral everyone into turmoiled panic - like this, actually.
I always make things about me and never realise the damage I've caused until it's too late.
Yes, I know that if the thing I'm planning works, everyone I know will be sad or struck in some way (I hope at least - it's not great when you leave forever and someone doesn't care) and I know if this works I won't be able to change my mind tomorrow.
But I've made my decision.
Hell, it's like a family tradition. Depression is a song that beats darkly alongside my heart. Suicide runs in my veins like blood.
I've taken after my mother and her mother before her with inheriting depression - so who's to say I shouldn't take after Uncle Andrew as well?
I just wanted you all to know that I've made up my mind about this and NOTHING you can say will reverse my decision.
I'm leaving you all, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Thank you for being friends - family - to me my whole life. Thank you all so much for being there. But now I have to go.
And here I go again, inflicting pain and damage upon you all. Here I go again, sending you all into emotional panic, like I always do.
It's my fault. All of it. Everything.
Don't miss me. I'm not worth it.
I don't care if I go to Hell - anywhere is better than this. Than what I'm living right now.
My crush on a classmate, my attraction to basically all of my real life friends and now someone from my Church, who's in her twenties. It's sick and twisted, isn't it? I like someone older than me, and she's a girl. So I guess, no matter what, I do deserve to go to Hell anyway.
It was fun. It really was. But I'm causing you all so much pain.
You'll get over it. You've never even met me, not really. You've only seen my face through glitchy Hangouts meetings. You've only seen me being either insane or sad, which is different from in real life me, who's never one thing; never just angry or never just happy; always angry and guilty, happy with some inkling of sadness.
I'm not saying I'm different or special; I'm saying I'm never truly happy.
No pills have worked. I still spend nights crying myself to sleep. I still always feel like crying. I still always feel ... this feeling, whatever it is.
So, yeah. I guess that's it. I know you'll try and talk me out of this. I'm not sure whether to feel relieved or guilty or more sad about that.
I'm sorry I became someone to all of you. I'm sorry I became important to your life. I'm sorry I made myself a friend, because now I'm going to leave and you'll hopefully never see me again.
I always loved you all, and I always will, living or dead.
- Emily Jessica Reid