Erm, hi. In case you forgot me, its the girl that breaks promises and forgets everything. The girl the made everyone worried sick and destroyed everyone's day. The girl that left without a care in the world to give at least a piece of what's cooking. I'm baaaack.... and apparently I have a lot of explaining to do. I don't want to waste your time, but if you got a lot of free time then- yeah.
Wispi already knows this story, but I'll fill you in on what happened back then. When I was in 2nd grade I used to have a friend. A stubborn friend, and a rude one at that, but smart. We met when we were assigned seats and forced to sit next to each other. We played and teased each other a bit, I always used to call him "Mico." to annoy him, and then the fight began. Michael pranked me every recess with his best friend/follower. So we kinda became enemies, but every day we called each other, shared laughs, and sometimes even agreed on things. In a weird way, we were friends. Until 3rd grade. Michael and his followers played another prank on me. His best friend aka Carl told me he had a crush on me, so me, Michael, and my bestie thought this was hilarious. We made a game out of "capturing him" and trying to get him to tell us why he liked me. (Stupid, I know. I was a mess back then.) Then of course Carl told Michael it was a prank, so Michael turned on us and got on Carl's side. It was sorta a mini war. Afterwards Carl left a little note we told everyone. Then Carl said it was a prank. It hit me that we were mean to him for no reason, prank or no prank.. And from that day forward I lived with that guilt of actually being a bully, Michael always used that against me if I was going to tell on him for beating me up one day. (He didn't really beat me up. Just shoved me to the floor because I kept teasing him, his mother saw, course she didn't care.) And if I was ever going to tell on him for anything rude he did. So I never told on him, even when him and his friends insulted me on my love for horses, lied and gossiped about me. I never, ever, told on them again thanks to the mistake I made with Carl. After 4th grade, we became socially awkward, stopped talking. We hardly even noticed each other. Or maybe we just hated each other. Apparently mom and his mom were best friends, so we could never really stay out of each other's lives. Everyday my mom picked him up to drop him off when his mom couldn't, but every car drive was quiet and intense, we never talked or even looked at each other unless my mom asked us something or my best friend was with me.
Then, a month or so ago (before I made a post about leaving) my mom sat next to me on the couch and asked if we could talk. She never asked if we could talk, so that kind of shook me at first. Of course I said yes. She opened her phone, went to the text messages with all the conversations Michael's mom and she had and showed me a text.
"Michael got cancer."
It's amazing how three words could slap you in face.
At first, I was very surprised, but my mom looked more grim than I was. I didn't think to much of it at first, since I hated him. My mom told me not to tell my friends at school. I briefly nodded and continued watching netflix without a care in the world. But that same night, when I was heading upstairs to sleep, laid on my bed, and then I remembered something. Four years. Four years of pranking, teasing, ignoring, calling, laughing, and miserable car drives. Now, the person I disliked most could die knowing I hate him. I never knew how much a former friend and worst enemy could impact you're life. That's what went through my brain every night. Every morning though, it would be a bright summer day, and sometimes I would cry on those bright summer days, wishing I could enjoy going to the pool, enjoy going to horse riding summer camp without that guilt on my shoulders. On others days, I would feel know urge to sob into my pillows, I would feel numb and light headed. I didn't sleep well either. The worst thing was, I never prayed to god about Michael. I never asked him to protect him. You guys already know I have depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety, and I don't really feel completely confortable talking about it, but I might as well now. Once, I went to the porch, grabbed a pin and wrote on my hand "Your fault." I know, another dumb thing I did, but at the time pain was the only thing I could feel. No excuse though. It didn't take long for my mom to catch on that I was blaming myself for this, and she asked me if I was okay. The one thing I could get out of my mouth was
and that's another negative thought that was always on my mind. A few weeks later I noticed I have to get back on message board before my notifications explode, to late. Two hundred notifications from roplays and posts. My first thought of course was, "Whatever" so I made a post to notify everyone I'll be taking a break. Yes, I read all the comments before making this post, and I didn't commit suicide.
After I made this post I went back upstairs to lay down and try to sleep my depression away, but I couldn't, I sobbed into my pillow again, I wanted to die. That's what scared me. That's half of the reason why I cried for 4 hours. My mom knocked on my door, and I felt grateful that my mother knows when I am hurting, and how she wont give up even when I push her away, so I unlocked the door. This time she didn't ask if I was alright, she didn't ask what's wrong. She hugged me tight, finally, there was a moment I could feel for a second, the warmth of my mother's arms wrapped around me. My mom told me she is going to take me to a councelor. In my opinion, I used to dislike councelors, I always thought going there made me a "problem" but I didn't want to argue with my mom. So two days later we went to a councelor. She was actually really nice, and she gave me a little test to see if I had anxiety and depression or not. Then she clarified it, which was scary as well. She gave me tips on how to deal with anxiety and depression. Writing a journal about everything on your mind, taking deep breaths, all that stuff. I was feeling sorta better, but it didn't change my guilt. I started playing other games, that took my mind off things quickly, then afterwards my brother taught me how to make youtube videos (He knew I had anxiety and depression.) I got a lot of positive comments, so I felt kind of better. I started feeling things again. Food became a taste for me again. Happiness was present, it went on and off sometimes, but I felt a lot better. Then, one night instead of "The person I disliked most could die knowing I hate him." turned into. "God will protect Michael, he will see to it he lives on and become a happy, healthy kid." That's the first time I prayed to God in awhile.
So it turns out after this experiance I learned two things:
You can never really hate someone, and you have to forgive yourself, just like God forgives you.
So yeah, I'm feeling a lot better so I returned to message board. I'm sorry if this was TO long, I just didn't want you guys to be upset and worried and anxious because of me.
I will no longer be participating in Stars RP or Pegasus Valley, but I will try to get back into TGH O.C Chat and ROTR RP.
There will be a LOT more Rainfeather's Story episodes. So yeah, another apology, but I'm glad to be back! Love you guys! ^.^