I'm so angry. At my parents, my dad in general. Even though this is not my fight. He's such a hypocrite, thinks he's right about everything, and unfair. Sure! Life is unfair. But we are human too. We have not experienced the unfairness of life like them, they think. WRONG. I know I'm probably not the person to write these type of posts, but I'm so sick and tired of yelling and screaming all directed to my middle sister however much I don't like her.
Have you ever experienced that heart-wrenching feeling of loss? When you feel like you're drowning in a pile of sorrowful tears? When you feel like you can't breathe when it rips through your heart, shredding it into pieces? Every single time they scream or yell especially harshly at my sister, it hurts. It hurts like their screaming at me. I feel like I want to cry, to give up. I need a place to vent everything out, I usually let out months of bottled up feelings. Yes, she may be petty, but my dad is extreme. I'm sick and tired and done with my life, sometimes I just want to die, but I know I won't. He's threatening to sell the house next time. That would probably kill me. There are just too many memories I don't want to/can't give up.
All I have left to rely on are my cats and my beardie.
I feel like humans are too unpredictable. Too emotional.
My mind's a kaleidoscope, it thinks too fast Blurs all the colors 'til I can't see past The last mistake, the choice I made Staring in the mirror with myself to blame Sometimes I'm afraid of the thoughts inside Nowhere to hide inside my mind I'm scared that you'll compare and I'll look a lifetime past repair I second guess myself to death, I re-solicit every step What if my words are meaningless? What if my heart's misleading this? I try to capture every moment as it comes to me Bottle up the memories and let them keep me company When the hope of morning starts to fade in me I don't dare let darkness have its way with me And the hope of morning makes me worth the fight I will not be giving in tonight
When I'm old and grey, or thirty, or whatever happens first, I'll need you to reassure me I didn't waste a verse Or worse, what if my life's work is reduced to just myself Like never let you get a word in, while I dissect my mental health Or lack thereof, whatever, there's too many things to track I really can't remember if I'm insane or insomniac Now days, all the kids want crazy, wanna diagnose themselves Trade up made up epidemics, pass around prescription pills But my disorder can't be cured by a bottle, blade, or dose Self-disgust and selfishness tend to hold me awfully close But I don't wanna let you see that, I don't want my friends to know Self-disgust and selfishness take me everywhere I go When the hope of morning starts to fade in me I don't dare let darkness have its way with me And the hope of morning makes me worth the fight I will not be giving in tonight Try as I might to keep it together Why is recovery taking forever Fool the whole world, just until I get better I'm terrified I'll be faking forever On and on I wonder what went wrong inside my head I don't have to have the answers, but tonight I wish I did All the pain I can't explain away won't fade All the the secrets silenced by the shame Don't make me say it Don't make me say it Don't make me say it Don't make me say it Don't make me say it Don't make me say it Don't make me say it When the hope of morning starts to fade in me I don't dare let darkness have its way with me And the hope of morning makes me worth the fight I will not be giving in tonight
(Hope of Morning by Icon For Hire, lyrics)