Time and time again I've scared you all, and now I have confirmed I am the largest idiot there is. What kind of a friend am I? "I'm going to kill myself now, love ya bye". How horrendous.
Don't forgive me. Please be mad at me. It'll make it so much easier. I don't deserve your forgiveness. There has to be a limit, hasn't there? Isn't your patience running out? Aren't you sick and tired of hearing me constantly talk about depression, suicide, bad things, me me me? Of me constantly scaring you left right and centre, even though I always seem to change my mind?
There is no good future with me. I'm going to keep hurting you. All of you.
Do you want me to stay? Really?
Do you want to live in constant fear, with me whining about my life's problems?
Do you really want to be my friend? I'm the worst possible friend material; desperate, clingy, self-centred and idiotic.
How can you ever forgive me?
I keep doing this and I'm sure it's making you all sick and tired of it, no matter what you may type through the screen.
I am the worst. I feel like each time I do this, I just dismissively say "lol sorry" like I accidentally spilt your drink. I feel like each time I don't really care about the consequences because I expect you to forgive me. That's all of your problem: you're all too dang sweet and wonderful for your own good.
If you want me to stay, I will. You don't deserve the pain I would've inflicted upon you all, even if you'll be so much better off without me.
God. I hate this. All of it. As far as I'm concerned, the people on this message board are the only light in this godforsaken dark world.
It was unfair of me to say my irl friends don't care about me; they do, they just don't check up on me as much. Funny thing is, the reason I think that is because approximately a year ago, we'd see each other at school everyday. And now that none of them go to my high school, I feel like they've abandoned me, which of course they haven't. I miss them.
I wish I could meet you all. But I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest here; you'd all be weighted down by me AGAIN if we ever do decide to meet up.
So... I guess... do you forgive me? For everything I've done to you all and for everything I'm going to do?
And... do you want me to stay?