Jul 10, 2018

UNDERHOOF: History of Tyme

18 comments

Edited: Apr 21

 

It was near the end of a normal forest. ..Where safety lied beyond reason. Foliage clouding, interweaving, yet leaving space between. Spruce, ice, jasmine, star magnolia,nandina, & favabean growing here and there. It seemed that beauty was held to it, but that too can be deceiving. Only to the winding road paved with no light led to it's truths. It's path went unnoticed, but it shouldn't have. The ice-slick wined led to a mare in the center of an open spread of vegetation. Dealing with dangers beyond the enchantment.

 

"Why do I feel so empty Greatide? ..... It feels as life.. as life has vanished from me. Tell me, tell me what this is." Ravensky uttered in her own demise. It was now the sun that seemed to go dim, and heart to shrink. In the forest floor of white, her eyes began to lift.

 

"It is your own worthlessness that has brought you to fall in your own blood. You say you desire to succeed, but you fail beyond measure of what my herd holds." Turning with the breeze he barred.

 

"But.. Greatide... I have tried.." Ravensky begged with grief. It was almost as painstaking as her wounds under hoof.

 

"No! You've wondered why your dam left you, why your sire sent for your grave?"

 

"How did you?" -lying in what seem to be stone ice, or powdered dust she would not look past her own dullness.

 

"Your dam took one look at you, and was paralyzed with disappointment." Your sire knew you would never have a place in this herd, so he decided to replace you.

Ravensky kept turning in her chains "That's not true! It's a lie!" tears came flowing down her face. Wind picking up & the forest quaked-Trees shifting with it's ever glance.

 

"Is it? Then how do you explain Cedarstorm, and that scare upon your forelock?" giving her a piercing stare, he continued

He found another foal... A faster, battle bread,disciplined, more intelligent leader than you ever could be."

 

Ravensky stopped in torment "He wanted me to be lead mare?" Spatting snow from her mouth.

 

"No, he wanted a colt!"

 

Ravensky could no longer take it. She could see his tall masculine form above her. His eyes where as cold as his words & coat as dark as the forest.

"Greatide, why?" she cried. The pain she felt was now far worse than the agony he left in her heart. She then perceived a stinging pain across her cheek.

 

Greatide removed his wing from her reach "Because, you swine! It's the truth. You don't deserve to live. Your pathetic life brings no honor or happiness to any pegasi."

"You think your life is worth anything? You think anyone would lay their life down for you. You've tried already! You had your chances, and now what are you going to do young filly. Time is almost up for you.

Greatide planted his hoof upon her forehead, increasing her blood lose. "You should have never existed." he whispered as he tightened Ravensky's chains. "And now you will die for the only thing you were good for..... FOOD!"

 

"Greatide! You can't do this!." Ravensky cried. Every fiber rolling with the leaves. She attempted to move her wings past the chains, but it was no use. Every attempt made the chains tighter, making them proceed into her lashed wounds. Ravensky did so again, and again... Resulting in screams to reach beyond the forest. Crows flying- frost falling."Greatide!" she screeched in affliction. "I trusted you!"

 

Sneering, Greatide glanced back at her- brimming yellow teeth. "Poor Ravensky, her only use is for the wolves." He left her with this. "Besides, trust is over rated." Trotting away, leaving her blood in his hoof prints along the way.

 

"You promised Greatide! You promised! She cried in torment. "She tried over and over to extend her wings, to break free. It only came to backfire sending splitting agony upon her spine, to her heart. Her body felt of clay, breaking to pieces. As if blades where reinforced to seel the gauges in her. She finally was able to kneel. Every bone in her body begged her to stop. They cried in her every effort. Ravensky now rose, with lost effort to slip on her own blood puddle, choking in it as her muzzle came down. As her vision became crimson, no creature was able to hear the sobs of reality to vanish.

 

 

 

 

Jul 10, 2018

I WILL KILL GREATIDE..... great story though, keep writing

Jul 10, 2018

Wait a sec, they are pegasi, right? If so how do they have chains? Eh, maybe they’re just vines.

Jul 10, 2018

Thanks! I will talk more about this later in the story, but Greatide has ties with landwalkers. That's how he got the chains.

Jul 10, 2018

Ah, that make sense. This is a great story by the way and I hope you post more soon

Jul 10, 2018

Nooo! So sad... but I LOVE IT!!! So good, you have to keep writing!!

Jul 11, 2018Edited: Jul 11, 2018

Thank you so much! I will try to post in the next 24 hours.

 

Is there anything I could fix? I'm trying to work on my writing, while I write my first book.

WOW!!!!!!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!! GREATIDE IS HORRIBLE AND I WANT TO HUNT HIM DOWN BUT THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!! You have a real talent!!!! you make writing look easy!

Feb 10

Aww! This is the sweetest thing! Thank you so very much. I would love to be a published author some day. <3 XD

You're welcome! And you are definatly on the right path

Despite how awesome this is, I noticed you asked for some constructive criticism so I'm here to give it. Your suspense is phenomenal. I can't carry on such a nerve-wracking for nearly as long as you have here – but it might not be a good thing. Not all readers love to be on the edge or their seats for hours on end (hypothetically speaking, since it didn't take me hours to read this). I suggest trying to break up the suspense a little bit in the future.

 

The biggest problem I have with this writing is word choice. Don't get me wrong, your world-building and descriptive language are wonderful, but they seemed a bit too complicated to follow sometimes. For example, "Greatide! You can't do this!" Ravensky said in vexatation. Not only is it supposed to be spelled vexation, that word doesn't really work in this context (it means irritated or frustrated, not panicked or betrayed), but it seems unnecessary to have a description of how Ravensky is speaking right here. We can tell she is feeling betrayed just from her words. In my opinion, less is more when it comes to dialogue tags, so ""Greatide! You can't do this!" Ravensky cried." would work just fine.

 

Another example of the word choice issues I have is this sentence toward the beginning. Foliage clouding, interweaving, yet leaving space between. Spruce, ice, jasmine, star magnolia, nandina, & favabean growing here and there. Not only is listing characteristics frowned upon in novels (instead, new characteristics like a character's eye color should be mentioned in context, like the eyes of a love interest during an intimate moment), but this whole sentence is baffling to me. I don't know what half of these plants are, so I would simply suggest saying something along the lines of On the edge of the jungle, the late afternoon sun's rays filtered slowly through the interweaving foliage, piercing the fog that never seemed to leave the landscape. Brightly colored flowers were interspersed among the rich greens, giving the otherwise gloomy scene a festive feel. See how this is more inclusive and ... what's the word ... more symbolic, I guess?

 

These are just my opinions, feel free to ignore them completely. Keep up the good work.

Those are some good pointers, Flamefrost!!!!!

And BTW, me and Nightmist commented on Alternative endings

Apr 18

OMGoodness! Thank you so much! It's really nice to have a new perspective on things. I deeply appreciate it Flamefrost. I would never ignore your advice. You are a great writer, and it's good to learn from others. Thank you again! I definitely will be applying this. :)

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